Monday, January 7, 2013

i'm not sorry i'm depressed

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i have to apologize for my lack of posts lately.  i sit down with the pictures to write a post and just go blank.
 
stare-at-the-screen-mind-numbing-blank.
 
 
i've got to tell you a little secret: i'm depressed.
it's frightening and liberating to write those words. 
 
i can't write about the things that i'm supposed to be writing about.
all of these other words are rushing through my mind
and i just. need. to cleanse myself of them.
 
so here we go, dear friends.... i'm going to be honest with you.
 
i go through the days building forts,
hunting down lost matchbox cars,
cleaning paint off the floor. 
and i'm fine. 
when it's dark, i tuck my little Bear into bed and pat him to sleep. 
 
then it's off to the couch where i sit with this laptop and listen...
 
i listen to the clocks ticking on the wall.
to the soft snore of the sleeping cat next to me.
to the sound of the baby monitor buzzing.
to the silence the fills this house without my husband.

cliche as it is... it's always the nights that are the hardest. 
when i've stopped and am not kept busy by little feet.
 
i have to remind myself:
despite the separation, we are still blessed beyond measure.
i am not the first wife whose husband has deployed.
there are others missing loved ones for much longer.
 
but this is a first for us.
i have to honor my feelings. 
and part of that is to sit in the silence and
stare at a blank screen,
cry,
and, yes, be depressed.
if i wasn't upset over this, then i would be concerned.
 
 
 
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18 comments:

Joyce said...

Oh, Andie. I'm so glad you wrote this. I hope just writing it helps. I hope this helps others to see that they are not alone. And I hope you know that you can *call* me any time you need to. Day or night! I hope the nights pass by quickly. I love you!

Happy Whimsical Hearts said...

Hi Andie, I had noticed things had gone a little quiet over here, sorry to read the reason. But it is so good and brave of you to share how you are feeling. It will help other people who feel similarly. Thinking of you xx

The Monko said...

You are right to be depressed, I would be if my partner wasn't there with me physically. But you have lots of support from people who care Andie, even if it's just virtual. Big virtual hugs.

Charlotte Taylor-Page said...

Much love to you and your little ones Andie xx

Hannah Harris said...

Take care Andie

Bek Straughan said...

:( That's really hard being separate. And a lot on your mummy shoulders too. Go easy on yourself. Take time for you. Take help from others. Hugs to you. Let the blog be an outlet if you need it. Hugs to you.

Jaime JJ said...

And big hugs:-)

Trisha @ Inspiration Laboratories said...

I echo what The Monko says. I think it would be hard not to be depressed. If there is anything we can do, know we are here for you, friend. : hugs:

Jennifer Radtke said...

I know how your feeling. I pray that just dumping it out has helped some.

Amanda said...

Oh Andie, I totally get it. I've been through several deployments and it's always hard. The lonely nights are the worst! Take care of yourself, and I'll be praying.

Gina said...

Oh Andie, I'm so sorry. Hang in there, kid. I wish I could send you a great big hug! My niece is getting ready to experience this too. It's heartbreaking , but please know I'm thinking of you.

tricia said...

You are writing and feeling what many, many spouses feel but may not say....Hang in there, and I hope tht the happy nights come sooner than later for you and all waiting for their families to be whole again.....

Heather Long said...

Be strong, mama! And when you can't be strong, ask for help. That's OK, too. I'm keeping you in my prayers!

Curly Birds said...

Sending you virtual hugs. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be with young children and a husband away.

My Dad was in the military and was gone a lot when I was young, but also lived away from home for 2 years when I was a teenager. It was difficult for the whole family and especially my Mum. He would write letters to us and we would all gather on my Mum's bed and read them.

Much love to you, Andie.

Susan Case said...

Andie - we love you and your blog. It is perfectly fine to express yourself. I can't even imagine what you are going through. Just know that others love you and appreciate your sacrifice and your husband's service. Try to pamper yourself and take care of yourself.

Sylvia said...

Oh dear Andie, you don't have apologize for being depressed. I wish I could help you with more than a comment at the end of your post. I can only imagine the pain and worry you are experiencing. Love and prayers going up for you and your precious family!

maryanne @ mama smiles said...

{hugs}

Heather said...

Andie, I read your post when it first came out but couldn't think of what to say at the time. I understand what you are sharing and have gone through it three times myself. No matter how short or how long your husband is gone, no matter if it's the first or the fourth time, your feelings are just as valid and important as the next spouses. I hope writing about it helped you, writing helps me. How are you doing by the way?

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