Sunday, May 26, 2013

momma guilt on yelling

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we had a rough day in our house
about a month ago.
and i do mean
a. rough. day.
worse than colic and acid reflux.
worse than having a baby that won't sleep.
worse than any day i think
we've ever had in Bear's whole life.
it was
tantrum
after
screaming fit
after
blatant and intentional rule-breaking
after
stomping and growling
after
running away from me
after
another tantrum
after
crying
and
screaming
and shrieking
i thought i was going to lose my mind.
he was out of control.
and i couldn't help.
i am angry at myself for...
i am ashamed of...
yelling.
it goes against my parenting beliefs...
it goes against my gentle mommy heart.
but i just couldn't get through to him...
and nothing.
nothing.
nothing i tried worked.
i used every tool that i've ever learned
as a preschool teacher and as a mom.
it was a long day.
i couldn't wait for a hot shower.
and i said as much.
and then he said...
i can't wait either because then i get a break from you.
speaking of a break
that's what cracked through my heart.
he didn't mean it facetiously.
he wasn't trying to be hurtful.
it just was what it was.
and it hurt like hell....
stung me to the core of my very being.
and then i realized
what it must have felt like
to be him
for the day.
to feel so out of control.
to be so angry and frustrated.
and to have a momma
who didn't do
what she was supposed to do.
and i don't blame him
for saying what he said...
not at all.

from 3.26.13
 

 
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1 comment:

Lyndsay said...

My dear friend. My dear gentle mama friend. We all have days like this, it is heart-breaking and difficult and stains our feelings for days. Please remember that your dearest love has such a strong and amazingly deep foundation of love and gentleness from you that he is able to process what happened without feeling detached or broken in his love for you. And, he likely feels the exact same feelings as you are expressing in your beautiful poetry, but his little boy heart renders him unable to communicate as clearly as you. You will both heal and move on. You are an amazing, gentle and constant mother. All the hugs that I have.

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