Monday, January 7, 2013

i'm not sorry i'm depressed

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i have to apologize for my lack of posts lately.  i sit down with the pictures to write a post and just go blank.
 
stare-at-the-screen-mind-numbing-blank.
 
 
i've got to tell you a little secret: i'm depressed.
it's frightening and liberating to write those words. 
 
i can't write about the things that i'm supposed to be writing about.
all of these other words are rushing through my mind
and i just. need. to cleanse myself of them.
 
so here we go, dear friends.... i'm going to be honest with you.
 
i go through the days building forts,
hunting down lost matchbox cars,
cleaning paint off the floor. 
and i'm fine. 
when it's dark, i tuck my little Bear into bed and pat him to sleep. 
 
then it's off to the couch where i sit with this laptop and listen...
 
i listen to the clocks ticking on the wall.
to the soft snore of the sleeping cat next to me.
to the sound of the baby monitor buzzing.
to the silence the fills this house without my husband.

cliche as it is... it's always the nights that are the hardest. 
when i've stopped and am not kept busy by little feet.
 
i have to remind myself:
despite the separation, we are still blessed beyond measure.
i am not the first wife whose husband has deployed.
there are others missing loved ones for much longer.
 
but this is a first for us.
i have to honor my feelings. 
and part of that is to sit in the silence and
stare at a blank screen,
cry,
and, yes, be depressed.
if i wasn't upset over this, then i would be concerned.
 
 
 
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