Monday, June 19, 2017

And So I Rock Her

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It's late at night. You're rocking baby while your partner sleeps soundly. At their moment, you are alone in the world...
You feel isolated.
You feel a bittersweet frustration.
You feel smothered and nurturing simultaneously.

Have I ever told you that I don't remember the last time I rocked my son (now 8.5 years old) to sleep? I don't. I've no recollection of the last time I held him. And now, in his burgeoning boyishness I've no memory of when I last held his sweet little body, folded perfectly onto my frame. And it saddens me. It breaks my heart for the boy-baby that he used to be and has grown out of.
And here I am now... with a 3 year old who still nurses to sleep and does not sleep alone for longer than 2 hours at a time. Like many moms, after bedtime is the only time I get to myself all day. It's when I decompress, get projects and blog posts done, and just get a moment for me, in general. And so often this time is interjected with long hours spent holding Sunny while she sleeps. And there are so many nights when I just want to be able to put her down.

And when I take the time to think about it I feel like a failure. I feel bad for both sides of this situation. Regretful that I've not helped her learn to "self-soothe" and sleep independently by this point in her life. Guilty that when she needs me in those sleepytime hours, I'm clambering for my space. It's a double-edged sword that cuts my momma heart in two. 
But it is what it is.
These days go by so quickly. She's turned from a snuggly little burrito baby into a gangly toddler seemingly overnight.  And someday, she'll be too big to be nestled against my chest. Someday, she'll think it silly to snuggle with Mom. So for now, I have to cherish these moments... savoring each one. Because you never know something is happening for the last time until it doesn't ever happen again.
And so I hold her.
And so I rock her.
And so I be the comfort she needs in the night.
I am her safe place.
And that is okay.

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